I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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