Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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