Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
