Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize