I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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