Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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