thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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