Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize