I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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