ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
