All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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