There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
