I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
