"it" just moved
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize