i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
