I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We need to rekindle our bromance
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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