Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize