if i can run in heels then i can drive
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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