I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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