I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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