I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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