Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize