I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
