hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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