we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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