How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
