Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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