So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
