You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You are a genius and a whore.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
