Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
