dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just invented taco cereal.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
