Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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