Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
