I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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