Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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