I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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