We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize