guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
