Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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