Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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