I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
