If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
