Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
