i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
