My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
