we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
