why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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