Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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