He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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