Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
