i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
