our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
