first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
