oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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