Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize