I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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