I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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