Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
