Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
