i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
