so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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