My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
