So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
