our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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