At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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