there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
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