The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
