My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
