i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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