Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
