I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
