You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
