So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
