i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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