I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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